It’s Not Me; It’s Anxiety

Ready for a controversial topic? While this topic has led to arguments before, I think it's important to talk about. I've said it before and I'll say it again; if you can't fathom how anxiety can change a person, be grateful because you're blessed in that.

Everyone will likely experience anxiety to some degree at some point in their lifetime. Life is hard. But there's this kind of anxiety that you can feel in the depths of your soul. It can grow so intense you lose control of certain body movements/functions. That sounds wild, doesn't it? That worry and fear can get that deep. But it does. Crippling anxiety is just that; physically crippling. It'll leave you on the floor in a puddle unable to get up. It can throw off your breathing to the point you have to focus on breathing at a normal pace, or you'll pass out. It can feel so heavy you wonder if you're having a heart attack. The adrenaline rushes are one of my least favorite parts. I can feel it run down my legs and then it's almost like I feel the worry come back up.

My stomach hurts. My chest hurts. My heart starts racing. I start sweating. I start shaking. My vision loses focus. My head goes numb. I honestly wish I was exaggerating. I wish I said I went this through this solely for attention like I've been accused many times.

I've been told I'm lazy. I've been told I'm weak. I'm too sensitive. I have no sense of humor. I'm searching for attention. Anxiety doesn't make you act anyway, I choose to do those things because I feel like crying and screaming for no reason, really it's a great time. I've been told I'm crazy. That I'm a bad mom. "You're always anxious. What's new. Doesn't give you an excuse to be a b**ch." I'm an awful friend because I'm the kind of roommate that would get off work and go lay down because I was just mentally drained. I loved working with kids with special needs SO much! But it required me to have both eyes and all hands on deck every second. I needed a break.

I've been told countless things because others didn't want to take the time to try to understand. It led to me constantly over explaining every little thing in hopes it would create understanding. It rarely works. And it sucks quite frankly. It's so hard having the best intentions, but being unable to find the right words to make it make sense. This is why I started a blog! Writing helps me make sense of my thought's because let me just tell you... it's a mess in my head. Speaking is not a strong suit of mine. Sometimes I feel word vomit coming and think "stop, STOP" yet, I just keep rambling. It's a good time (I enjoy sarcasm, okay?)

But if you've been there, you probably feel seen right now. It's like a universal "I hate that you go through this too, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But it's comforting in a way to know you're not alone." I relate to people who have struggled with anxiety and depression on a deeper level than most other people. Because oh dear friend, I've been there. I've been there for a long time.

But when my anxiety isn't through the roof, I'm a bubbly, go-getter. I love hard. And I love everyone around me to the best of my ability. Some make it harder than others.. but when you pray for patience you have to earn it. I believe God gives us situations to bring out the characteristics He desires. But that's for another post!

I'm happy and my daughter and I spend a lot of time dancing and playing. I search out ways to help others because I feel well enough to give back. I strive to help people see things in themselves they didn't previously see. I just want to raise a healthy, happy child and make the world a better place one little step at a time. I believe making a positive impact starts with those closest to you.

Thankfully, my people know I would lose my head if it wasn't screwed on. So they don't get offended when I forget to reach out or respond. We all believe in making the most out of the time we do get to spend together.

So while anxiety has played a major role in my life; it's not who I am. I am so much more than anxiety and depression. And it took me a long time to see that. I lost myself for many years and I've just recently started the process of self-discovery all over again. I'm finding the pieces of myself I missed so much; like being overly happy and acting ridiculous simply because it's fun! I'm also growing and learning every day so I can become a better version of me. I'm human, I mess up. I don't alleviate myself from responsibility when I do mess up, either. I do my best to acknowledge the mistake, and try to move forward and find new mistakes to make. But I also give myself grace when necessary. I didn't even realize it was possible to accept responsibility and try to right the wrong, while also being understanding with yourself for the reasons behind it. Therapy works, yall.

Honestly, I'm tired of feeling so incredibly misunderstood. And I've spoken to enough people to know I'm not alone in that. Your feelings are valid. Let's make the world a better place one small step forward at a time.

"I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat." -Pam Beasley, The Office

Always here,

Miss. Misunderstood