Love Bombing; It's Not Love

Have you ever heard of the term "love bombing?" Love bombing is a form of psychological abuse that occurs when someone goes over the top for you in attempt to manipulate you to want to be with them. It can involve things like: excessive flattery or praise, sharing too much, too soon about their feelings for you, an abundance of unneeded or unwanted gifts, and/or discussions of your future together very early on in the relationship (health.clevelandclinic.org). According to Cleveland Clinic, these are common signs of love bombing:

1. They give you needless gifts

2. They're in a rush to lock things down

3. They're always available and demanding your attention

4. They can't take no for an answer

5. They like you better when you're alone

6. They over-communicate their love for you

7. You feel overwhelmed, uneasy, or off-balance

If you've ever felt neglected in a relationship, this doesn't sound so bad, right? That's what I thought. I mistook every. single. warning sign as being affectionate and passionate. The relationship started off amazing. I felt like I had never been seen or cared for more. I blew off a lot of little red flags because "obviously he cares about me and is willing to put the effort in. What more could I ask for?" Boundaries, sis.. boundaries. Every healthy relationship has boundaries. In a healthy relationship, you should be free to state your honest opinion, express yourself (respectfully), and have the freedom to say no. All of the attention is great, until you aren't allowed to say no to anything because "I did it for YOU!"

The attention is great until you're pressured into doing things you don't want to do. If someone tells you they feel rejected because you don't want to have sexual relations yet, RUN. If someone tells you that they're going to trap you, don't get pressured into giving them that opportunity. Because before you know it, you'll be stuck. After you've had a ton of money spent on you, even after begging them not to, you feel indebted to this person. That is manipulation.

For me, the real trouble didn't start until I started trying to set boundaries. That's when I really started noticing something was off. Is it really possible to have a life threatening emergency every time we have a disagreement? Is it really possible that every feeling, sickness, pain that I feel, somehow he feels with greater intensity too? Is it normal for a grown man to be jealous of a newborn due to the attention a newborn requires? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say no, no, and hell no.

I'm not trying to say that every gift you receive from a significant other serves an ulterior purpose. I know there are truly good people out there who have gift giving as a love language. But when the things that are given to you are later used as leverage, that's manipulation. Making sure things are nonrefundable and you know how much they cost, is manipulation. "Pouring their heart and soul" out to your best friends and closest people after a couple of weeks, is weird. Telling your best friend about your fight before you can, is really not okay. Trying to get you to quit your job and move in after a couple of weeks is a red flag you should listen to.

If you express many times that you are not a flower person; you appreciate the gesture but don't like flowers, and you get flowers countless times because "I just wanted to do something nice." At first, I just appreciated the gesture. But after repeatedly making it known I dont. Like. Flowers. It was still happening. And it was expected to be appreciated even though it was known I don't want them. That was my first sign he thought HE knew me better than I did. I was never heard about preferences or opinions. If you find yourself justifying the relationship, it's not the one for you. There's a difference in excitement and raving about the person and trying to justify what's happening to your loved ones. Trust your gut and you'll know see the line.

Love bombing is not love. It's a method to gain as much control as possible over you. If you ever question if you're seeing warning signs, it's probably better to high tail it out of there and save yourself some trouble. And just to make sure we are clear; I know every relationship has a learning curve. I know tough times will happen and the first reaction should not be to leave. But I also think it's important to highlight the differences in a healthy relationship and a toxic one. I've talked to so many people who have gone through this experience and thought it was normal. I myself, someone who loves studying psychology, went through it and thought it was normal at first. Now, I see there can be passion and love in a relationship while still having healthy boundaries. We don't call them boundaries. It's more like an acknowledgement we understand so we both stay happy and healthy as individuals so that our relationship can thrive. Who you date matters, friends. Be smart out there.

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." -Charlotte Whitton

Always here,

Miss. Misunderstood