Being a mom in today's society is a very interesting, semi-frustrating thing to be. Oddly enough though, the most frustrating parts have very little to do with actual parenting. Raising kids comes with different challenges throughout the years (I say from what I've gathered from speaking with other moms, my girl is just coming into her toddler years.) But for me, the most annoying parts have to do with never being able to win in our world.
If I'm an engaged mom, I'm overbearing. If I'm a laid back mom, I'm negligent and don't care. If I push sticking to her schedule, I'm rigid. If I don't put her on a schedule, how will she ever learn to regulate herself? I push having set aside down time, I'm thinking too much about her young years. Does infant/toddler psychology/development matter that much? I think so, so I'm too much.
I've had the unique opportunity to be a part time working mom, full time working mom, and stay at home mom (just for a couple of months) and I caught grief at every single stage. Working part time meant barely scraping by but getting lots of time with my girl. But I was failing as a mom because I lived with my parents and didn't make a lot of money. So the time came to make the hard decision of financial security over lots of days with my girl when we moved out on our own. Y'all.. I was told I was not doing what was best for her by leaving her in daycare all week. I was ruining her schedule. I was a terrible mom for working full time. "You work full time, how closely can you actually watch her?" were words said to my face. I was off for a couple of months in between jobs waiting for everything to go through and I also caught grief during that time too because "I'm so jealous you just get to relax with her all day" ... if you've ever stayed home with kids, you know this statement is a figment of the pre-parent imagination.
Let's not even get started on nutrition, that's a whole different shame game! And if you're co-parenting in the young years, good luck. You probably won't get the sole decision in breastfeeding or formula. Before becoming a mom, that doesn't seem like a big deal. After becoming a mom, it's a huge deal.
But with all the shame and guilt being a mom comes with, it also comes with the most precious tiny fingers and toes you've ever seen. And sloppy wet kisses and painful hugs. It comes with more love and admiration than you ever thought possible. It gives your life a new meaning and purpose that is so much greater than yourself and that's hard to put into words. It's being surprised at how much you can love the sound of giggles and happy screams and the pitter patter of tiny feet on the floor. It's loving every single new thing they learn while also missing how little they used to be.
It's long days and short months. It's not knowing how you're going to keep your cool and then borderline crying because you love this little being so stinking much! It's hard to put into words how children change your life in the most beautiful, quiet way. They make you better without even realizing it. This seemingly huge responsibility appears more as a wonderful gift to be protected at all costs when your heart feels the love they give. Unconditional love is one of the most amazing things this life has to offer.
My life changed dramatically when I had my girl. But I will put up with every downside to parenting happily (mostly okay I'm still human) if it means I get the luxury of my girl and her big personality. I see a lot of myself in her personality and I would be lying if I said that didn't scare the daylights out of me. I annoyed my mom enough that she wished I have a child just like me and boyyyy, her wish came true. While it's not easy, it will be so worth it to see her fierce little personality continue to emerge. I can confidently say my girl will change this world for the better. She has already brought so much love and joy in the year and a half that she's been here; I can't wait to see where she goes.
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito." -Betty Reese
Always here,
Miss. Misunderstood
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