Ready to get down and dirty? I am! I plan on telling this story throughout multiple posts as it somewhat relates to each other. They will be mixed in as I figure out how I am going to go about this.
I am not a good story teller. I give too many details and get distracted and take entirely too long to get it out, so bare with me. High school was pretty typical for me. I was the average I have no clue who I am so let me be mean while I figure it out type of girl. Nothing I'm proud of. College was a huge change and adjustment for me. I was no longer a part of any sports teams and wasn't sure what to do with myself. I decided to go back to my roots and start playing soccer again. I trained with one of my friends and ended up making the soccer team at a small NAIA school. I had no clue all of the crazy that would come from attending that school.
I met a boy who was going to the school I was transferring to. He was a baseball player, my favorite. I was never the girl to catch mad feelings for someone so I wasn't prepared going into the relationship. I don't know what I was expecting as it was my first serious relationship; but I wasn't expecting what I got. Things started out great, as they so often do. But then the breaking up and getting back together started. And other girls started becoming an issue. And pretty much any of the toxic, young relationship bs you can think of. I stayed around because "it wasn't that bad." Oh sis, if you ever think those words, run. Run fast and far. It only gets worse.
I made every excuse in the book for the boy. He was young. He was still figuring himself out. I could see his heart and I knew he would make a great man.. if he could ever leave the boy stage behind. Sometimes he was so sweet it was intoxicating. Other times I was wondering how long it would be until the cops showed up to diffuse the screaming match. There were many ups throughout that relationship that kept me coming back. He was comfort to me. I thought every relationship went through difficult times and I wanted to prove that I was loyal in the bad times. Screaming, belittling, attacking personally, begging you to hit him so he can "send you to the hospital" it's not okay. Your best friends don't get to the point of crying, begging you not to go back to him because they can see where it's headed. It's an incredibly difficult place to be when you have one of your best friends in the world telling you she doesn't want to get the call that he finally went too far and he's telling you if you could only act right, things would be perfect again.
Let me just add, I was not perfect. I have never been one to just roll over and be walked on. I fought it for a long time. I would yell back for a long time. I tried to stand up for myself. I wanted us to be partners. But every single time I brought anything up that was bothering me "well I just can't do anything right" "what about all this stuff I do for you?" "you are always attacking me telling me what I'm doing wrong"... eventually it was easier to just not say anything because I wouldn't be heard anyways.
I was the girl people thought twice before talking to after a male friend asked me a question in the hall and had touched my shoulder to get my attention and then was stalked for the rest of the day. Because he touched my shoulder. In the campus building. When I got mad my ex was on campus actually looking for this guy, he asked why I would have an issue with it. Apparently if you care that your boyfriend is trying to physically attack someone, you're cheating. After we broke up, he continued to stalk guys that would associate with me in any way. I always justified it as "that's just him. Just ignore it" and never stopped to see the situation for what it was. I never realized how bad it was until I got out for good many years later.
There were so many girls I hated. I thought they were rude and had no boundaries. As it turned out, some, yes, that was in fact true. But most.. most were just a figment of his imagination. One girl in particular I will never forget. I was rude. Dirty looks, mean comments, all of it. Because I decided to believe someone I knew was a liar. Years later I found out it was actually the opposite of what he had told me and that girl is one of the sweetest, most genuine people I have ever met. I still blame him for taking what could have been an amazing friendship away from me... Okay, I take responsibility for being gullible and mean too, gross, K.
There are many stories I could tell to prove how it got to the point of me feeling worthless. Like everything really was my fault in the relationship because I couldn't love him correctly. Maybe my friends really were fake. Maybe my friends really did want to get with him. Maybe I really am that bad, because look at my life.
That, my friend, is called psychological abuse. Not being able to tell what's reality and what's fiction is the consequence of gaslighting. Questioning your own mind is the product of manipulation. Losing friendships for the sake of the relationship is almost inevitable; especially if you have solid, empathetic friends. As hard as it is to suffer through an abusive relationship, it is also difficult to watch someone you love keep going back to the one thing draining them of their whole personality. I was more lost in college than I was in high school. That relationship put a strain on almost every other relationship in my life at different points.
As damaging as that relationship was to my identity, I have truly forgiven. He did a lot of healing and growing because he too had experienced trauma. But he realized the way I was treated was not okay. He came to me and apologized and told me I was in fact, not crazy. I didn't imagine things or make them out to be worse than they were. I cannot tell you the weight that was lifted off my shoulders after hearing that. I felt vindicated. I felt seen. I felt heard. I cried. It's not often you get an apology from the person that nearly broke you down. I cherished that more than I can express and we actually were genuine friends after. It didn't negate anything I had been through. Nothing can ever prepare you for finding the person you're in love with, with another girl. All of the stuff had still happened, but I was able to process it. I was able to see while it was abuse by definition, he was hurting just as much as I was and unintentionally (and also intentionally? weird) took it out on me. From that view point, I was able to have empathy and understanding. I was able to heal and move forward. And that is a priceless gift.
"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing." -Dwight Shrute, The Office
Always here,
Miss. Misunderstood
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