Overstimulated Queen

Have you ever been somewhere busy and started to feel like you couldn't focus on one single thing? Does your brain seem to shut down when there's more than one conversation going on at a time? It's almost impossible for me to go into the grocery store and not come out near irate. After about 10 minutes, I'm back to me. It's so frustrating.

Let's get real; I used to hate big social situations unless alcohol was involved. I wouldn't go. And I didn't even like drinking all that much so it really didn't make sense to me. This started in college and when it started being pointed out that I was socially awkward sometimes, I got extremely self conscious which only made it worse. I loved being invited places and loved connecting with people, so why am I the queen of bailing last minute? I would get so overwhelmed at the thought of being social. What will we talk about? What if we have no common ground? What if they say something rude? Should I stand up or let it go because maybe they didn't mean it?

That all happens in about 30 seconds and then it just spirals. FYI- "my stomach is killing me" means my anxiety is winning right now. I wish it was just an excuse, but I'm usually curled up in a ball because everything is so incredibly tense. My massage therapist has mentioned more than once he's impressed by my knots. Baseballs/golf balls with the random marble thrown in here and there is the best way I can describe it. I'm convinced it's from how much I tense up when I get anxious.

I love connecting with people! But if I can hear more than one conversation going on at a time I have a hard time keeping up with the one I'm involved in. If it gets too chaotic I catch every third word of every convo and just sit there unable to process anything. That's when you get a lot of "yeah?" "That's wild" "really?"'s. Honestly don't know the proper grammar for that.. I did my best.

It's so frustrating because I want to be involved! I want to be present and enjoy the time together. I want to be as calm on the inside as I am on the outside. But does no one else hear that dog barking? The kids screaming isn't infuriating anyone else? I want to be the person that doesn't get overwhelmed when there's too many sounds going on at once. I want to enjoy watching kids play. I want to be excited about my daughter becoming a big sis in the future, not worry my second kid might be a screamer.

It's hard. It's hard bailing on the people that you love the most because you just can't handle the social expectations. I often feel like a terrible friend. I'm not the person that typically reaches out to make plans. I rarely see my best friends in the world! But there's also an understanding that adult life is busy. We all know if we need the other, they will be there. And let me just add, if someone truly needs me, I'll be there no matter how I am. I know what's it like to feel like a burden when you reach for help. I never, ever want anyone to feel like a burden when looking for help so I will be there to support you and I'm genuinely happy to do it. Sometimes it helps me out of my own funk, actually.

I know how frustrating dealing with people like me can be. No one hates my flaws more than I do I can promise you that. One of the hardest parts is wanting to function like a typical person so badly you give it 100% of your effort, and still can't do it. I want to go in the store without coming out overwhelmed and angry. I want to go to a get together without going to the bathroom 400 times to try to catch a little break and reset. I want to be excited to hang out with friends and family. But sometimes it's just hard.

And you know what? That's okay! We all have our quirks, those just happen to be some of mine. I spent a long time trying to blend in and do what I knew was socially acceptable. But it goes better when I listen to my body and take breaks when needed. It helps me actually enjoy things and relax knowing I can take a break if I need it.

I've spoken to enough people to decide I'm going to embrace who I am, quirks and all. I think I've also searched so hard for understanding because I've never been able to understand myself. Many perceptions of me have been formed because it seems like I have no reasons for some of the things I used to do. It's hard to explain that you strongly felt the need to do something even though you have no idea why. How do you adequately explain you can't figure out what's going on in your own head? So I chose to be quiet for a very long time. But I believe there are more people than even I realize who can relate and need to be seen.

We've been told for so long who we need to be and what social norms we need to follow we've lost ourselves. I'm here to say that you're seen. You're not alone. Find your people and love them hard.

"Never miss a good chance to shut up." -Will Rogers

Always here,

Miss. Misunderstood