Perhaps one of my biggest pet peeves is when I hear someone describe someone they don't like as a narcissist. I think it bothers me so much because it belittles the damage true narcissists do. It's not a word to be thrown around. It's a legitimate personality disorder.
This is not in medical terms. This is how I have broken things down to help things make sense to me because if you've ever encountered someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you'll never forget them. And not in a good way. I've had run ins with both males and females and they leave you questioning your whole entire life. They're like a hurricane that blows through and destroys everything in their path before finding a new target.
Not everyone who is mean is a narcissist. Some people are just mean. Some people are toxic as can be. But they're not necessarily out to hurt you. I've dealt with many people who were going through their own things in life and didn't pay enough attention to how those around them were affected. It still hurts, sure. But their goal is not to hurt you. They just don't care enough to ensure you aren't hurt. That's a part of growing up and figuring yourself out. Those are easier to handle.
Next up, we have what I like to call narcissistic tendencies. These are people who are self-centered and love themselves. They pull to narcissistic ways like craving attention, but won't dedicate their life to hurting others. I guess they could also be described as that extremely cocky person, who can also be nice and sociable for reasons other than needing a good look for their image. These are the kind of people you keep at a distance and as long as they're there, it'll be okay.
Now let's get to the nitty gritty. I've had multiple run ins with people that meet the DSM-5 criteria for diagnosis. Obviously, I'm not licensed to diagnose so I do say that with the most humbleness; but narcs get tired of hiding it. I went through a rough patch in my life a few years ago. I met 3, three, narcs back to back to back. When I say I almost didn't make it, I didn't.
The first was someone I had always kept at a distance so had no idea who they really were. When I figured it out, it was too late. By that time, they were bound and determined to ruin me. To the point that their sneakiness led to finding out about my pregnancy. And tried telling on me to my mom. Thankfully, I had told my mom a couple days prior. But that one cut deep. That someone tried to take away such a special, incredible moment from me. Simply out of spite. They also tried to get me fired from my job more than once.. thankfully my boss told me to watch my back.
The next one was almost comical it was so blatant. I was still dealing with the first when this one pranced into my life. My biggest clue was being so seemingly charming, but not really sweet. Always, always talking about "his PERFECT match." He was studying psychology and had to do a forensics class which I LOVE. I was trying to help with a test and he truly got mad that I knew so many of the answers. I'm not hyping myself up, but this is my niche and I spent time studying it on my own! But I got talked down to and then ignored because "I was annoying." Yall, nothing will ensure a narc stays away from you quite like telling them they need to go get an eval done.. oops.
The last one is arguably one of the most dangerous kinds. The oh so mysterious covert narcissist. The kind that get so deep into your fibers you know something is wrong.. but then they are so sweet, I must be reading it wrong. Maybe I am the problem. Change my whole entire approach so that there can peace. Here's the thing about those kinds of people, things are only good when you are acting the way they think you should. The second you step out of line you're back to all your old stuff and will never change. It's enraging. It's disheartening. It's confusing. No one else sees the person I see, so it has to be me, right?
Wrong. Covert narcissists are more dangerous in my opinion because they are able to push parts of narcissism down in order to appear like a normal human being. They're extremely good at masking. They're master manipulators and you don't know who you are dealing with until it is too late. They're the kind of people that make you shudder when you think of them. They're the ones that make you question the depth of evil in this world. They're the people who push others past their breaking point and then blame the person for being weak. The constant backhanded insults. The compliments that come with an agenda. Questioning every statement ever made by them. And then being told you're not that special, no one is out to get you like that.
It's an endless cycle of mind games and checking with your advisors to make sure you're not imagining things. It's thinking of any {legal} way to completely eliminate this person from your life. Narcs don't make you mad, they ruin your self-esteem, sense of reality, and make you question your purpose on this earth. If you can call someone that and not almost cry, you're belittling every method of psychological torture that I and many others, too many others, have endured. And we are not here for it. Do better, I say lovingly.
"If you can't be kind, at least be vague." -Judith Martin
Always here,
Miss. Misunderstood
Comments