One day.. one day she laid her tired body down on the hard cold tile. "Would anyone even find me?" she asked while staring at an almost empty bottle of wine and a knife. The knife was so intriguing laying there; it was so shiny, and so sharp. She had heard that if it happens quickly enough, it doesn't even hurt. It was peaceful.
The final wine was calling her name. She finished the rest straight out of the bottle. "Wow you can't even stand up and grab a glass. Yea, let's go" she thought.. but he might miss me. My parents would never be the same. My brothers would never be the same. M & L & C the only friends who would give a rats ass. I'm so exhausted. I'm so tired. But there's still so much out there... that I suck at. I'm never going to be happy. I just can't live miserable. Trapped in my own mind. It's scary how disorganized it is. I can't even follow my own thoughts. I'm scared to be alone. I called. No answer. Called 15 times. No answer.
Its time. But wait, let me see how it feels first. 1...ow 2....Ow 3......OW. Fck that hurt. Tf hell no she lied. Wow she really was the bitch she thought along. I was raised so much better than this. And I'm not even good at handling pain. Watching it bleed is not satisfying. Although it is calming. Wow it is calming. It's still coming out and she got calmer and calmer. Is this euphoria? No this is twisted. It's so dark and twisted. But it's cool to watch my body respond. And she laid there, against the cool refrigerator, just a little longer, just experiencing this.
She remembered. She remembered when she had this feeling before. She saw the strength and the confidence, the talent, the heart and passion for working with children and the difference she was making in this often ugly world. She remembered her parents faces. Her brothers. M & L & K. (yes, correct letters) Their families. The life she had left live. And she knew, without a doubt, someone would find her. And it would traumatize so many amazing people.
She dropped the knife. Although, holding it was the most power she had ever had. She didn't want that kind of power. It wasn't hers to hold. It hit her then, there was no returned call. No text. Which means she did it. She was ruling that entire situation and she came out of it. God brought her out of it. He wasn't done with her yet. After hours, He drug her butt up off the hard floor and dusted her off. He loved her so hard. God gave her a lot of grace and loved her so so hard. He brought her such an unexpected, guardian angel. That will probably never know the profound effect she had on this persons life.
There were so many people that saved her, that had no idea and never will. That, my friends, is the effect of solid relationships and people who genuinely care. It quite literally saves lives and impacts the world in such a positive, profound way they don't even realize. Never underestimate the power of a kind word or gesture. You just might be the reason someone decides to make it to the next day alive.
"The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling." -David Foster Wallace
Always here,
Miss. Misunderstood
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." -Leo Buscaglia 🩷